I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
