Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
