Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
