Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
