very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
