i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
