I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
