Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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