Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
