the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
