I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
