He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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