Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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