Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
