Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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