Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
