He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
