I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
