Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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