xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
