dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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