I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
