kristin has been a bad kristin
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
