i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
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I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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