My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
