I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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