Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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