the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
