I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
