Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Randomize
