If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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