I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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