I think I won the penis lottery.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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