I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
