i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
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