So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
