omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
