I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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