Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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