Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
