I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
