Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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