how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
