the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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