happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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