Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
