if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Even the bartender felt bad for me
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
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I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
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Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize