the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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