how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
