ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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