On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?