walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
