Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
