the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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