he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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